


The Star Spangled Man With No Plan (a novel by Steve)

by Hades_the_Blingking



Series: The Lion of the North & the Hound of War [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Asgardian Culture, Domestic Avengers, Drinking, Fluff, Humor, Humour, I am doomed to rarepair hell forever apparently, Just have a laugh everyone!, Language Warning: dang darn and heck, M/M, MCU but with more villains and attacks, Mysterious Asgardian Magic, Original Avengers ensemble, Sassy Steve, Sassy Tony, Steve calls a lot of things 'nice', Steve is a little shit, Thor's beach expedition, Thundershield - Freeform, Tony Thor and Clint have no signficant others, Tony is a lovable asshole, With Friends, and Thor knows exactly what he's doing, bets all around!, but they're so pure and cute!, gratuitous shirtlessness, idk if it counts as fluff when it's this sassy, kinda an Avengers Assemble casual vibe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 17:50:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hades_the_Blingking/pseuds/Hades_the_Blingking
Summary: In which Steve makes a bet he really shouldn't have with one Tony Stark, Natasha and Hawkeye are enablers, Tony could be an angel or Satan in a Suit at this point, we're not sure, and Thor discovers shopping on Midgard.Has Steve bet away his shield, or will he get a date before the clock ticks out? How did the Tower Rec Quarters get destroyed (or recced, as someone with a pun problem might say)? And who released the kraken? Join in for some Thundershield fun ;)Comments are very much appreciated! n.n





	The Star Spangled Man With No Plan (a novel by Steve)

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  (larger pic [here](http://swaglexander-the-great.tumblr.com/post/164121850520/the-star-spangled-man-with-no-plan-a-novel-by))

Steve Rogers didn’t know whether he loved or hated living in Avengers Tower. Of course, Stark made sure every comfort was at their fingertips. The training facilities were outclassed by none. The six of them did make a great team and an endearing kind of family despite the Hulk ploughing him, his bed and his entire wall out of the Tower few times due to bedtime spider encounters.  
But.  
“Y’know, Emily? That girl you saved from the Chitauri? I bet she’d like to say thank you with a dinner…” Natasha vaulted over the couch to where the Steve munched his morning America Toast. He knew the other Avengers didn’t understand why he took the time to arrange blueberries in the top corner, then jam and banana stripes, but not only was it nutritious with all that potassium, it just made him feel…better somehow that his food had as much pride in his county as he did. Actually, he wasn’t really sure what the other Avengers ate for their most important meal. Tony, Steve suspected, just downed a fifth of whiskey. Hawkeye ate both always and never; food disappeared mysteriously at night, and pizza arrived mysteriously during the day. Okay, the night-time food disappearances had been a mystery until Steve had one night trudged into the kitchen to hear a steady _munchmunchmunch_. He’d turned with bleary sleep-eyes to see Hawkeye perched on top of a doorframe with a pizza roll. They’d just sort of stared at each other, one with sleep confusion, the other with some sort of feral, nocturnal sheen, until Hawkeye had fled into the vents. Hulk, on the other hand, simply ate their refrigerator from time to time. And Thor…as majestic as the god was, sometimes he just munched through an entire gourd like an apple. Steve hadn’t worked up the courage to ask him what kind of mysterious Asgardian tradition this was, but one day.

“Look Nat, I’m sure she would but I’m fine.” Steve put on his calmest, most friendly CEASE voice.  
“How about Gabriella from Bomb Disposal?” Natasha sucked a mystery substance out of some Korean packaging and looked at him with innocent eyes.  
“I – “  
“You still trying to get the 90-yr-old virgin here a date?” Tony breezed in, one hand on his cufflinks. Why he had dark glasses on inside, Steve put down to a perpetual state of hangover.  
_“Tony.”_ Steve shot him his look of Ultimate Disapproval and unwittingly gave the man unwelcome Dad Flashbacks.  
“Oh don’t get testy at me just because you can’t pull.” Tony pointed and raised his eyebrows, then stage whispered to Natasha. “He’s very tense.”  
Oh, Steve didn’t miss her little smile. Dangit. This was Colonel Philips telling him he couldn’t go into enemy lines all over again.

“I could get a date if I wanted to Tony.” Steve sighed and helped himself to another bite of America Toast.  
“You wanna bet? Pfft.” Tony scoffed and oh, oh in doing so summoned Competitive, Stubborn Steve.  
“Okay, how about a bet?” He crossed his arms, leaned back and fixed Tony with a stare.  
“Ookay then, hottest date wins. I win, I get your shield. You win, you get to keep your dignity. Got it on recording, Capsicle.” Tony waved what Steve had learned was not in fact a doorstop, but a phone, and promptly jumped out a window with a loud crash.  
“Tony, I didn’t – “ He leapt up and peered out the window-hole, but staggered back as Tony flew up and away in his Iron Man suit.  
“11 o’clock tonight, loverboy!” Came the passing remark as Iron Man zoomed past. Darn that man.  
“So.” Natasha said with another mystery slurp. “Emily or Gabriella?”

 

Steve decided, in the end, that he didn’t want to hurt some poor girl by involving her in a bet. Damn it Competitive Steve. There were some fights he could win and then there was…this. Why had he suggested the damn bet? He wasn’t the kind of guy to pick up partners like that. But Tony just _got under his skin_. That blockhead made him want to find the hottest date in existence to rub it in that smarmy face. Steve wasn’t really sure where to start, so he’d just jumped on his motorbike and sped away into the city like a blurry American flag. Natasha probably knew exactly where to start, but although she had enthusiasm in buckets, she didn’t really get his style. Phones and doohickies and _apps_ weren’t really how he approached the scene. In fact, he had no idea how to approach the scene. People were so…fast nowadays. Steve guessed he just hadn’t caught up yet. So he’d called an emergency training session, then locked the whole team in training room. That had bought him enough time to get away and do his own thing at least. 

Lost in his thoughts, the patriotic Captain didn’t hear the vaguely Asgardian _whoosh_ from behind him.  
“Found you!” Came the merry shout, and then Steve was hit by a god going at about Mach 1. Before his Super Senses could keep up, both Steve and his bike (thanks to his Clenched Thighs) were skyborn.  
“Thor! Put me down!” Steve barked and tried to twist against the tree trunk of an arm around his waist. Steve wasn’t afraid of heights. Thor could drop him and Steve would look him dead in the godly eyes as he plummeted to the ground. Instead, he found himself nearing a lightly occupied beach. Which he wouldn’t be able to drive his bike on. Darn Thor was smart sometimes.  
“Steven.” Thor rumbled in a grave tone as he dropped the bike with a slight suspension crunch.  
“Steve. Please.” This must be the tenth time he’d told the god, but he could forgive a guy with such good hair. The Captain unclenched himself from the bike and stood.  
“Steve.” Thor corrected himself. “Tis unlike you to flee from your problems.”  
“Natasha sent you to bring me back, didn’t she.” Steve sighed. He was not _fleeing_ , he was just…okay, maybe he was fleeing. Slightly.  
“She bade we find you, but I never swore to return you.” The god let his hammer fall and pointed at him. Steve realized, for a moment, that he’d never had a proper one-on-one conversation with Thor before. His eyes were a nice blue. “What is your plan?”  
The Star Spangled Man with a Plan found himself without a plan today.

“Uhh…Say, what do you Asgardians do to get a date?” Steve tried. Maybe a team-up with Thor on this wouldn’t be so bad. True, he was a super-advanced alien, but he also did have some old-style ways too.  
“Ha! This is more like it!” Thor boomed and clapped him on the shoulder. An ordinary man would have been thwacked into the ozone with a twinkle, but Super Soldier Steve took it like a champ. “I shall tell you: Firstly – “  
“Thor, perhaps…” Steve gestured around at their situation. About twenty beach-goers peered at the thunder god, the Captain, and his bike, all three of which had dropped out the sky. They all seemed unsure whether they were about to witness an Avenger-on-Avenger deathmatch, and Steve wanted his people to feel safe.  
“Oh. Yes. I see.” Thor retrieved his hand from Steve’s shoulder and picked up Mjolnir.  
“No no no no, wait!” Steve held a hand up as Thor prepared to a) helicopter them into the atmosphere or b) teleport him to Asgard. Thor frowned a little, hammer half raised. Some beachgoers pulled out phones. “Look, there’s a beachfront carpark back there. I can park, maybe we can get some civilian clothes…”  
He side-eyed the phone crew.  
“And then I’d love to hear your tips. Deal?”  
“Indeed!” The big blonde immediately brightened, and together they hauled the bike back over the dunes.

It was only when they entered the beachfront Surf n’ Swim that Steve realized Thor may have never been in an Earth shop before.  
“’Surf Life’.” Thor read as he squeezed the fabric. “Do these runes upon the clothing make you better at activities? I cannot feel any magic…”  
“They’re just slogans Thor. If you like the slogan, you buy the shirt.” Steve patted the Asgardian’s vambraced forearm, and kind of wondered where they were going to stow all this armour. The clothes store sold backpacks, so his suit wouldn’t be a problem, but a 6ft cloak?  
“Oh, I see.” Thor nodded, as though Steve had imparted some deep, sage advice on to him, then spotted something. “Odin’s beard!”  
Thor just tossed the entire rack of clothes aside, and both Steve and the cashier winced.  
“Stark will pay for…everything.” He assured the teenager, and felt the words ring deep in his patriotic soul. Oh Stark deserved to pay for everything if this darn bet went too far.

“This colour is truly rare.” Thor had a pair of pink boardshorts held aloft in his hands like they were some sort of precious stone. Steve couldn’t help a small smile. Who’da thunk it? “We rarely see it upon Asgard, even in blossoms!”  
“Well, we can get them if you like.” Steve offered, and picked out a pair that looked about Thor’s size.  
“Indeed. I have many goats and much Asgardian gold to offer.” Thor only managed to march away because Steve burst out into laughter.  
“Thor, Thor wait.” He grinned and caught that godly bicep before the terrified-looking cashier could be subjected to the mighty thunderer wishing to offer her goats for board shorts. “I don’t think they take those. We can just have Stark pay, don’t worry. Now, how about you see if these fit.”

He held up the shorts, and Thor pulled a kind of ‘fair enough’ face which made Steve smile again. He’d never imagined that the noble Asgardian prince would make that expression.  
“One moment.” The god twisted one of the top circular discs on his chest. As he did so, his cloak shimmered into his back, the diamond mail on his arms and chest flaked upwards, and the armour metal retracted until Thor was left in a simple grey shirt and black pants. The two discs he was left with melted into each other, then shrank with a final twist. Wow.  
“Don’t let Stark see you do that. He’ll never leave you in peace.” Steve had seen a lot of alien technology, but up close it was still – what did people say now? Cool. That was it.  
“Our secret then.” Thor shot him a wink that Steve _very much wasn’t expecting_ and clipped the quarter-sized disc into his long hair. Before the blonde American could restart his Super Heart, Thor peeled off his shirt.  
“Oh, uh, changing room Thor.” He pointed at the stalls before the god could get started on his pants.  
“No, it’s okay!” The cashier called. “I mean it’s Thor! Let him do what he wants, right?”  
Although Steve saw where she was coming from with the washboard abs, cut hipbones and pecs that rivalled his own hefty rack, he couldn’t let an alien get naked in a public place. It was his civic duty.

  


“So, your Asgardian dating tips?”  
They meandered down the beach in the sun. Steve had found himself a pair of very nice red, white and blue board shorts and stowed all their other clothes in a beach backpack. He hadn’t bothered with sunglasses because Thor had got some for the novelty. He didn’t need them, but the simplicity of them just seemed to amuse the god no end. Eh, Steve would ask to borrow them if his eyes got sore.  
“Behold your love in battle. There is no better place than in the fray to espy the woman of your dreams.” Thor smiled and gazed off into the baby blue sky. The wording pulled a question into Steve’s head.  
“Do you…accept pairings of the same gender as well in Asgard?” He shouldn’t be so nervous asking that. It was the future where these things were…better. But even so Steve’s heart thundered like Thor was conducting it with his hammer. Thor didn’t even have his hammer. He’d just dropped it on the street and wandered off.  
The taller god looked at him with warm eyes. “Of course! The Valkyrie keep battle bonds strong with marriage. I have never understood Midgard’s aversion toward such love.”

Steve felt his face heat in the summer sun and tried to hide it with a glance at the sand. But it was very nice to know that the super powerful aliens supported romantic freedom. He kind of wondered whether Thor had some Asgardian princess or prince waiting at home for him. It wouldn’t be a surprise but…it wouldn’t hurt to ask?  
“Have you got a gal or guy you’re, uh…” He didn’t know what Asgardians would call it. ‘Dating’ didn’t really seem like a Thor word.  
“Oh, Father Odin tries his best, but I’m not even three thousand years old. I have much life to live yet! But today is about you.” Thor placed a warm hand on Steve’s bare shoulder, and the American stared for a moment. He’d forgotten Thor was that old. And Hawkeye called _him_ the old man of the team. Man, did anyone really talk to Thor that much? “Now, secondly a partner who can take their mead is most desirable!”  
“Why’s that?” Steve stooped to pick up a flat stone he spotted and missed the mighty god of thunder morally wrestling with whether to look at The Booty or not.  
“The best drinking sessions are the longest ones!” Thor boomed proudly, then watched with interest as Steve threw the stone across the surface of the calm sea. It skipped a few times then sank before it bounced out of sight.

“What…” Thor trailed off in confusion, and looked between Steve and where the stone had gone.  
“It’s a… game.” Steve picked up another flat stone and frowned at it. He supposed that was the best way to describe it. “You find a flat rock and see how many times you can bounce it across water. The sea is kinda tricky though. Flat water is usually best. You want to give it a go?”  
“The mighty Thor never says no to a challenge!” The big guy looked so enthusiastic about such a simple game that Steve smiled too.  
“Okay, hold out your hand.” He turned the rock to the best side and put it in the palm Thor offered. It was almost strange how gentle Thor’s hand was when Steve knew just how much destruction it could cause. “Now, put your thumb here and your forefinger there – yeah, like that.”  
He moved the fingers and tried not to let his eyes linger on how thick Thor’s forearm was, and how here and there was the odd white splash of battle scar.  
“So hold it like that – “ Steve picked up another stone, flicked his wrist and tossed it. He’d had to adjust his throw quite a bit since his childhood days to keep it in sight. “ – and throw it like that.”  
Thor did not adjust his throw for a lowly stone. Thor hurled it like a bullet. The stone sailed out of sight and, unbeknown to both Avengers, took out a car tyre on the Portuguese coast.  
“Oops.” Thor shaded his eyes, despite the sunglasses perched in his hair, and Steve just about spat, he burst into laughter so hard. Thor said ‘oops’ now?  
“Maybe a little less power big guy.” He snickered and they wandered along the beach a little more to find more rocks.

 

They spent an hour like that – Thor sharing his Asgardian dating tips and Steve sharing his stone-skipping tips. That is until Captain America realized he only had till 11pm to keep his shield, which Hawkeye had stolen and probably hidden with his pizza roll stash before Steve had managed to temporarily trap them in training. Of course, with Thor on his side his could probably have help getting it back again, but then both Natasha and Tony would never let him live it down. And Hawkeye, by proxy, because they were a trio of enablers.  
“ – and most importantly, let not others decide what you want. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Steve.” Thor threw his last stone in a resigned kind of way, because the thunder god had yet to make one work for him; they either sailed off into the distance or power-ploughed into the water, despite Steve’s expert tips. Then A Miracle happened. The stone bounced three times and plopped into the sea.

“YES!” The god punched the air with both hands and before Steve knew it, he was swept into a very strong, very half naked hug. Swept as in Thor lifted him clean off his feet and spun him around. Before he could enjoy the sight of Thor’s handsome face buried in his bosom, the thunder god put him back down again and pointed at the ocean.  
“Take that fiendish game!” Thor turned back all ablaze with victory. That was a nice sight. Steve could live with seeing that more often. The god’s face dropped all of a sudden when he took in the shellshocked look that was probably still stamped on the Captain’s face. “Fare you well, Steve? I did not embrace you too hard?”

Worry creased those strong features, and it hit him how breakable everything must be to Thor – kinda how it had been for him back in the day. Lord knew how many glasses he’d smashed and doors he’d broken just because he hadn’t known his own strength.  
“I’m harder to break than most, Thor. Don’t you worry.” He looked Thor up and down before he suddenly realized just how flirty that had come out. The majestic lion of a god stopped for a moment, then looked him up and down too, eyes, dare he think it, appreciative.  
“Steve – “ The low tone of Thor’s curious voice sent a shimmer of heat across Steve’s bare chest, but a com chirp broke the dang moment. The Asgardian put two fingers up to his ear, but the fact that Thor had a com wasn’t really a surprise. Steve, however, had removed all technology from himself so that Natasha and her spy ways wouldn’t find him. The god reached his other hand to the side. “There is a battle we must attend. Come Steve let us earn great glory this day!”  
There was the metallic _shiing_ of Mjolnir, and before Steve could command they get changed, he was 100ft above the ground.

 

“Picking up beach babes with Thor, huh?” Iron Man lowered himself down beside where Steve and Thor landed, and tossed the board-short-wearing Captain a com and his shield. “Nice strat, though I’d like to see one top my supermodels. Shall I say that shield’s on loan then?”  
“We deal with the fight first, Tony.” Steve put on his Army Voice, and nobody argued with the Army Voice.  
“I’ll take that as a yes then. Oh, and nice shorts blondie.” Iron Man quipped, then powered away before he heard Thor’s serious ‘thank you’. He really should spangle Tony until he saw stars for judging a simple colour choice. But today they had other problems.

The situation was one Steve had never seen before, but should probably have expected one day: yellow tentacles spotted with blue poured out of every manhole in sight. Some slithered after civilians, others yanked at power poles and more had pushed into high rises.  
“Thor, you see how much you can hit with lightning. Hulk, smash the pavement, try to find its body. Hawkeye and Black Widow save the civilians, and Iron Man keep those buildings standing. I’m going to follow up the Hulk.” He commanded into his com, then watched as Thor sailed into the sky. With a whirl of his hammer, a vortex of black cloud appeared. It simmered and flashed with electricity, and looking at the god up there, wild hair in the wind, lit up by lightning in those pink board shorts…maybe Thor’s tips had gotten to him, but battle did seem a good place to –  
“HULK SMASH!” A green ball of power bellyflopped into pavement and Steve got ready to tackle a tentacle monster. In jandals.

 

It took _hours_. Apparently tentacle monsters were not stupid. It seemed to realize it was up against good opposition, so it slithered back into The Depths. Of course, Steve would have loved to have just left it in The Depths, but he was a responsible superhero. So they tracked it through half of New York’s sewer system (which had plenty of side scuffles on its own) and eventually, _eventually_ brought it down when it tried to suck an entire mall full of people into the vortex of its mouth. It might be a win for the greater good, but for Steve personally? He was back at square one. Hawkeye and Natasha had double-teamed him for his shield, he didn’t have a date, but on the plus side, he’d managed to find the time to change back into something less beachy. 

“Good luck finding a hot chick smelling of sewer.” Iron Man deadpanned. “C’mon though, even covered in sewer _some_ lady must find Captain America attractive.”  
“Oh, I’ll win this bet Tony.” He sighed and shook tentacle goo off his glove. “I’ll see you in the Tower common room at 2300hrs.”  
“Oh, what, you need that long?” The robot-tinged voice jabbed. “I’ve already whittled my options down to three. I’ll be ready by nine. If you haven’t got a date yet, you should really – “  
“Fine. 2100hrs then.” Steve knew he shouldn’t have said that. But Tony just _pushed his buttons_. Besides, he’d flown on a hope and a prayer before. He could do it again.  
“Cap, you know you’re just making the worse for yourself.” Hawkeye commented on the way past.  
“I don’t know, he’s been known to get out of tight situations before.” Natasha crossed her arms with a secretive smile.  
“I’ll put money on it?” Hawkeye raised his eyebrows. Normally Steve would put a stop to gambling, but he’d been the first to bet here.  
“Fifty Steve wins.”  
“You’re on.”  
The pair fist-bumped, and Steve felt oddly happy to have Nat’s support. 

“FOOD!” Hulk’s roar came from behind him and Steve almost jumped into Thor’s arms. Maybe he should have. Thor’s arms were nice.  
“See, Hulk – Hulk has good ideas.” Hawkeye gestured at the green tank with an arrow, and Natasha just smirked.  
“Mm, yes I think I have some time between my Tony’s Next Top Date Beauty Pageant to get a bite to eat. Cap?” Iron Man cocked his head, but no, Steve knew when the stakes were set high enough.  
“I’m gonna head back and get cleaned up. I’ll see you all later.” He sighed and tried to haul a plan from the depths of his mind, but nothing bit.  
“THOR! SEE WHO CAN EAT MORE?” Hulk bellowed, and Steve’s chest dropped a little. He’d kind of hoped…  
“Any other day, friend Hulk! This eve I have matters of my own I must attend.” Thor bowed his head with a tap of his hammer against his palm, and let the two spies climb on his friend for a lift. As the others departed, the blonde god headed toward him.  
“Don’t sacrifice your own fun for my sake Thor. I made the bet.” Steve warned, but Thor didn’t seem put out, still in his pink board shorts.  
“I thought you might enjoy a drink to celebrate our victory!” He beamed, and darn it, Steve couldn’t say no to that smile. Or those goo-spattered abs. “Back at the Tower, I have a barrel of Asgardian Mead, the strongest, sweetest nectar you will ever taste!”  
“Alright, but only a little bit. Then I have to get back to this stupid bet.”

 

And that’s how Steve came to find himself two hours later in Tony Stark’s Mega Spa with the god of thunder and a drinking horn full of alcohol so strong that, after 60 years of sobriety, it had the world warm and fuzzy.  
“ – and then Captain America bravely leapt toward its monstrous eye, shield in hand, no fear in his heart.” Thor retold with gusto. They’d both re-donned/kept the board shorts, but shirtlessness sure did look a lot like nakedness in a spa. So Steve’s tipsy brain thought, anyway.  
“Yeah, yeah, and then the mighty Thor plunged into its mouth – “  
“Filled with razor sharp teeth!”  
“ – and took it apart from the inside out!” Steve cheered a little bit, because why not? Thor’s stories were fun. It reminded him of his WWII days with the Howling Commandos, when everyone had gathered around and tried to mask the deaths and blood with spectacle. It was nice to do that again. It was nice to be a bit drunk again too. 

“You are indeed a mighty battle brother.” Thor raised his horn, and Steve grinned. Okay, it was _cool_ to drink out of horns.  
“You are a mighty battle brother too Thor.” They both downed their mead, and Thor tossed the vessel behind him.  
“Throw it! Like in the halls of Asgard!” Thor beamed, as he saw Steve’s surprised face. So Steve threw a mead horn. And it felt good. “We’ll make an Asgardian of you yet!”  
All of a sudden, a big arm wrapped around his shoulders for an encouraging squeeze, and Drunk Steve didn’t mind a bit. Drunk Steve liked big god arms.  
“I’m not sure about that.” Steve laughed to himself and ducked his head a bit. “But this is fun.”

He glanced up at Thor, but the god’s eyes were already on him. So Steve looked at Thor. Thor looked at Steve. And something clicked.  
“You said a good drinking sessions are long ones. How am I doing?” Steve smirked a smirk that only usually came out in Tony Contempt.  
“Magnificently.” Thor said in a tone as smooth as butter didn’t break eye contact. So Steve settled just a bit more into that arm.  
“Are we going to talk about this then?” Steve had given up being hesitant since he’d missed out on Peggy. He turned a little and let his eyes wander up that broad chest. His hand just kind of followed until it almost touched the firm god titty. “I’m not blind, you know.”  
“Indeed you are not.” Thor slid his hand into the one Steve offered, and that gaze _smouldered_. The tipsy Captain leaned in a little closer. What the heck. He might as well give it a shot.  
“Thor, son of Odin, will you go on a date with me?” He murmured and squeezed that warm, strong hand.  
“It would be my pleasure Steve.” Thor rumbled, and his lip pulled up into a smile. Nice lips. Very nice lips.  
“Come the heck here.” Steve closed the distance between them and melted into the first kiss he’d had since the 1940’s. Thor was nothing like Peggy. He was hard lines, wiry scruff, confidence and power. His noises were deep, and his skin tingled under Steve’s fingers, a thin barrier that defined the physical from the celestial. The exhilaration made Steve breathless and hungry at the same time, so he broke for a gasp of air, then dove back in again. One of those effortless arms dragged him closer, on to Thor’s lap, and met no resistance. He straddled the god’s strong thighs and moulded their water-slick chests together, eager for the intimate touch he hadn’t had in _so_ long. For once outside of battle, Steve didn’t have to check his strength – he dragged lines down those broad shoulders as the kiss turned hot-blooded, suddenly aware of how much he wanted this, how much he needed it…Maybe Tony had been right about the tension thing. But he was still going to lose. 

 

***

Oh, Tony was ready to _own_ that shield. Maybe he’d let Steve have it back for a few favours here and there. Errands. Appearances. Saying things like ‘Tony Stark is the best Avenger’ on live television. Oh, there were many things that pretty, pretty shield could bring him.  
“Come on then my dear.” He helped the expert-selected Swiss Supermodel out his Lamborghini just in time to see Nat and Clint pull up. They’d gone to pick up Coulson and Agent Hill for non-biased voters. Bruce had hidden himself in the Tower Labs, saying he wanted no part in this idiocy. Maybe Tony should make the bet with him next time.  
“Ah, Tony Stark.” Agent Coulson extended a hand, which Tony hi-fived.  
“Coulson. Would you like to meet my stunning date for the night? Miss Blesi?” Tony gestured between them, and Coulson took the elegant hand.  
“You are very beautiful my dear.” Coulson smiled, and oh no, nope, she wasn’t _his_ date tonight.  
“Oookay, upstairs I think.” Tony unlocked the Tower doors with a remote, and caught a glimpse of a smug Hawkeye.  
“See? I told you.” He nudged the Black Widow with a nod at Tony’s European beauty.  
“Shoulda betted with me Nat!” Tony smirked as Hawkeye went over to introduce himself to Miss Blesi like a schoolboy with a crush. “Say goodbye to fifty.”  
“We’ll see.” She smirked right back, but Nat always smirked. It was a spy thing. “See you at the Living Quarters.”

The Black Widow and her crew got into one elevator while Tony enjoyed a brief break of small talk with Miss Blesi’s limited English in the other elevator. It was all going so well until the door dinged open to the living quarters.  
“Did we…miss something?” Hawkeye gaped at the mess in front of them. The kitchen island had a chunk ploughed out of the middle of it, there were impact craters in the walls, the couches and windows were broken, and black electrical burns striped the walls and floor. Wet footprints speckled what was left of the carpet and there were what looked like furrows or claw marks etched vertically into the corridor wall. Well, what they could see of the corridor. The lights appeared to have been blown. Ironically, they were not the only thing that had been blown around here.

“Maybe the kraken thing had friends.” Tony swallowed and tapped on his handy dandy Iron Man glove. But surely Thor, Cap and Banner could handle some intruders?  
“Oh hey Tony. You finally got here.” Steve’s perfect American face had a perfect American smirk on it as he leaned against the corner by the corridor. But that wasn’t the only thing. Even the high collar of his tight, tight shirt didn’t hide a blossom of bruises up his throat. As a master of everything scandalous, Tony knew a hickey when he saw one. So did Natasha apparently.  
“Steve! You…got a date?” Even she tipped her head in possible shock that Steve had pulled with such enthusiasm, and retracted her battle-ready guns.  
“I’m sorry, this mess still doesn’t make sense.” Tony waved around the destroyed room. “Did you do this to try and scare my date away? Well _Miss Blesi_ is much braver than that.”  
He gestured at the beautiful woman, who seemed a bit bemused at the English conversation.  
“No Tony, me and _my_ date just got a bit carried away. Didn’t we, Thor?” Steve looked behind him with a smile; nobody had even noticed the giant, blonde Norse god in the shadows.  
“More than a bit.” Thor wrapped his arms around Steve’s Dorito Waist, and Tony just gaped. Where had this come from?? And where had Thor’s oddly stylish red jacket come from?  
Miss Blesi, on the other hand, almost cried; to her, Thor spoke _perfect_ Romansh.  
“Ooooohwhaaaaat?” Hawkeye opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.  
“Nonono. This is a trick. You’re just doing this to – “ Tony broke off as Steve full-on mouth kissed the alien. “Did you _sex destroy_ my Tower with Thor?”

Steve just flipped him the birdie, still tongue-deep in Thor, and Tony had never felt so offended in his life.  
“Well, as interesting as this is, I think it’s safe to say that Captain America wins.” Coulson remarked, and Maria nodded.  
“Oh come on, that’s… _cheating_. He’s a god!” Tony threw up a hand to cover his shock.  
“You never said the date couldn’t be an Avenger, Tony, or a human. That one’s on you.” Natasha smirked and accepted her fresh fifty from Hawkeye. All of a sudden, Miss Blesi stepped forward and blurted out something in a language that Tony Stark’s American brain assumed was ‘Swiss’.  
“Oh, yes I can see how it might be cold.” Thor stopped trying to suck Captain America’s soul out with a kiss and frowned at where the windows were no longer. “I may have a spare bear pelt in – “  
“Oh no, your date doesn’t get to out-date my date.” Tony waved a finger, and hoped that freaky god-sex hadn’t combusted JARVIS. “JARVIS reconstruct the windows if you will.”  
“Yes sir. Finally.” JARVIS replied. “And shall I delete the last hour of tower surveillance footage?”  
“Yes. Very much do that. Thoroughly.” Tony was tempted to find out just how the pair of them had managed to scoop out the centre of the kitchen counter, but some mysteries were much better left unsolved.  
“And my shield back now?” Captain Smugmerica leaned back against Thor and alright, _fine_ they were a little bit cute, okay?

***

“Thor, why do you eat entire gourds?” Steve padded back over to Thor’s gigantic, pelt strewn bed with a plate of America Toast and orange juice in his hand. A week had gone by, and the Captain was sure that Tony still thought this was one big ruse to dupe him.  
“They have the most delightful crunch.” The god said around a mouthful of today’s unfortunate pumpkin. “Why do you decorate your bread so?”  
“I don’t know, I just like it. And I’ve always been…kind of an artist.” Steve didn’t know why he was so embarrassed to admit that. Maybe it was because Thor was such a mead-drinking Nordic fighter man. Then again maybe Asgard didn’t think art was ‘for wimps’ – a mantra Earth had drilled into him back in the day.  
“An artist?” The golden-haired god perked up. “You are indeed found by the most honourable of professions!”

Steve grinned down at his red, white and blue bread as another tremendous crunch heralded the gourd’s near annihilation. Thor was weird sometimes, but darn it could he make a guy feel swell.  
“I have a sketchbook if you’d like a look.” He offered, a little shy. Thor, however, didn’t seem to have that word in his dictionary.  
“I would be thrilled indeed!” The god tossed the core of his gourd on to the floor for Asgardian Magic to clean up, and leaped out of bed.  
“Pants first. Unless you want me to sketch you.” Steve pointed a finger. He swore, if people let Thor walk around naked he would. Those godly blue eyes twinkled, mischievous all of a sudden. Well, Steve tried his hardest to keep eye contact. He was army-trained and still Thor’s glorious naked body made him look.  
“Whichever you desire. It would be an honour to have my image captured by you.” Thor shot him a roguish wink, and well, Steve knew what he was doing today.  
“I’ll get my pencils.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed my first dip into Thundershield! :D An exercise in distinguishing one blue-eyed blonde-haired guy from the other. ;) My universe is mostly MCU with a bit of Avengers Assemble thrown in for the casual vibe. I love writing about Thor and his culture so much, I need more excuses lol. Also, the gourd thing is from this A+ [twitter account!](https://twitter.com/THOR_SON_OFODIN) The series name is so much cooler and more dramatic than the content too, gfdi :P Anyway, I would love to hear what you thought of it, especially about Thor and whether the rating was appropriate - so leave a comment or kudos if you like!  
> Stay awesome buddies ಇ( ˵ᐛ ˵)ಇ
> 
> If you'd like to support me, you can [check out my novel](https://www.kobo.com/nz/en/ebook/tea-in-the-outback) or [shout me a drink!](https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TT3Q6W95QFSM2) ^.^


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